An Update

Saw the doc on Monday afternoon, J was meeting me afterwards when he finished work but doc was running 10 minutes late so he got there a couple of minutes before I was called so he came in with me. Talked about test results from swabs after period problems and all came back clear so it seems it was just a blip in my hormones and unless I have any more problems that's hopefully nothing to worry about now. Talked about how I was feeling and he did a questionairre with me and said that it is depression rather than just a build up of stress, told him I'd recognised I was withdrawing and struggling to cope with everyday stuff but that I'd tried for some time to get myself back on track and failed. He gave me a prescription for anti depressants and also referred me to talking therapy, said it was up to me to decide if I wanted to commit to taking the pills for a few months or wait until I've started the therapy. I said I'd start the pills probably rather than waiting as I've been waiting to see if I improved and didn't want to start worrying about getting worse. Been down that track a few years ago and ended up being virtually unable to get out of bed in the mornings, already finding it hard to get out of bed and do anything.

Doc said he was surprised as a lot of people choose the other way around! Made me wonder why he gave me that choice to make. I think if I'd not been feeling this way for long I'd have waited but, well, I started taking them yesterday. I decided that he wouldn't have given me them and let me decide if he didn't think I needed them.

*edit* forgot to add the other bit about breast lump. I go back at the end of next week to see doc and pracise nurse for a full breast examination. He said that it's best to do that mid cycle to rules out it being a hormonal lump, especially with my recent blip.

Friends - the way I've felt lately if someone had asked me how many friends I have I wouldn't have come up with many because I've suppose I feel pretty worthless at the moment. It was nice to get replies on here and from my FT friends by messages there, most made me well up or shed a tear, sometimes everyone needs reminding that people are there for them. Trying to make myself get on and post there later and catch up with things, suppose I just want to slip back into it quietly and not post much about me at the moment. Mostly I think I withdraw from things because I don't reply to others like I should do and then I feel guilty etc etc and feelings don't make sense anymore.

J has been great, comes home from work and makes the kids do stuff to help. Helps in some ways as the house is now a bit straighter, other ways makes me feel more useless cos I should have done the jobs round the house during the day instead. After his problems earlier in the year though he understands and listens and is just being a wonderful husband right now.

Head feels less confused today, blogging helps, probably talking therapy will too, not sure that it will but I'll go in open minded and hope that it does. I'm not a big one for talking about feelings, putting them down here helps more I think because I can stop and think or go back and change things if words don't come out right the first time.