I do wonder though how the person beneath this front is

Not blogged for a while, been busy getting life back to 'normal' - kids at school and J working again.

I've been about to post several times but each time I look in I see the comment from my last post (thanks Tx) and it just made me keep thinking about how things are going and making me think - too much thinking isn't good.

So - how is this person doing? I'm not too sure. In the past few weeks I've lost just over a stone in weight, that still leaves me at over 17 stone so I'm hardly going to waste away to nothing. I am eating properly again now but making sure I'm eating better than I used to. Got my bike sorted out last night, tyres all pumped up, bell attached and front light, so that I can start going out on that - when I've remembered how to work gears and can ride in a straight line safely again, not ridden a bike for about 18 years. Of course, I did that and today it's raining hard and is likely to all day so I'm sat here instead.

I've got an almost constant headache, feel sick and tired and fed up and upset and every emotion I can think of rotates through me every day. This week I feel calmer than I have, IBS is settled down so I'm not having to dash to the loo several times each morning.

Lots of things still going around in my head. Marriage still feel shakey but it's a work in progress. I think anyone who thinks you don't need to put an effort into a marriage is destined for divorce quite quickly. Coming to terms with things having got so close to ending, happy that we're still together, that we both want to be together but still finding our feet I suppose with J's provisional diagnosis etc. Upset that things happened, fed up that Income Support hasn't been sorted after nearly 2 weeks and we can't sort out housing benefit and council tax until that's done so all the while paper debts spiral more and more.

I know it's going to be difficult for at least a few months, both of us coming to terms with the diagnosis, it helps in a lot of ways because at least now J can start to understand that he has a mental illness. He's already noticing the mood changes and can spot sometimes why he gets panicky feelings, usually if he's home alone but no every time. He's got to find ways of coping with the strong emotions that suddenly wash over him.

Still no appointment for the mental health team, I must have been having a bad day to believe he would actually get a real appointment to see a psychiatrist shortly after being discharged from hosptial and the crisis team. I'm still trying hard to take a step back and not do things for him, he'd happily let me but he's got to deal with stuff and I want to be a WIFE not a carer.

Had a really awful fed up feeling for a few days, kids taking the p*** and treating the house like a hotel - I hated that phrase when I was a kid but it really sums up E at the moment. I wouldn't have thought it possible for one person to leave a trail of dropped bags, clothes etc in nearly every room in the house in 5 minutes. She comes in, drops stuff, has a shower, goes out, and leaves more mess than the other 2 do all evening. Not sure where this selfish monster came from, it's even too much effort for her to make me a cup of tea in the evenings if she's on her laptop. I think I may have to turn into an angry monster of a mother and confiscate the laptop again and maybe even other things if this carries on.

Ok, I've moaned and waffled long enough, woe is me today, I want to cry now I've got things out but I can't. Normal me will return shortly.